Two peas in a pod - A Quirky Podcast

 

I was quite a happy child . I don't remember anything that weighed me down much. It was spent in blissful ignorance of not knowing about most of the stuff I saw or experienced. I just floated through , not reading too much into situations like a typical child. I relied on my parents and siblings , friends and teachers to maintain my course of life. Puberty hit me hard and man , I remember seeing everything in different light. From how I smiled, how I walked , dressed , what I ate and hmm , how I looked.  My self confidence largely stemmed more from my abilities and how I was performing against the standard parameters of worldly success for a student such as marks and sports . But ever since Life upgraded me physically on it's forced automation, my mind grappled silently, violently and no one knew how it felt to be in this journey through my eyes. Rationally I could realize that all my friends and every human in the world grew off age at some point and each one's journey was different. For some of the lucky ones, life proved to be benevolent on them and made it easy, in terms of their of physicality.  For some, it wasn't.

I am Rachel, now a 26 year old woman and here I have with me, Ranjit , 28 years my friend and co-participant. We both share our own sentiments on this surprisingly gender neutral topic that is a silent unspoken trauma for many. This conversation was a by product of a casual unplanned statement that made us realize we both shared more than we knew.  I am not generalizing my emotions as a common feminine aspect when I say, a girl cares about how she looks. She wants to present herself well, wear good dresses, adopt fashion elements and what not, working with what assets Life endows on her. But sometimes, no matter how much she tries to avoid being bogged down by the world's expectations that constantly peer into her soul , her own voices sometimes engage in a severe duel of confidence vs insecurity.  I would say I am not the prettiest looking chick out there, but I am pleasant to the eyes. But for my Hair.  Despite living in good hygienic conditions, proper diet practices and healthy lifestyle , my body just couldn't contribute to a healthy crop of hair on my head. It is thin, lacks height, depth and simply resembles a donkey calf's tail. I keep trying to not think about it, but every now and then, some random trigger pulls me back into the fact that I am not able to express my womanhood through the way I wear my hair. I just have one look and only my dresses keep changing. Every single photo , I am the same person sporting a troubled smile. Shower time is worst part of my day, as I literally loathe the shampoo bottle. What does it matter, if I develop dandruff or grey hair over my head, when there is literally no point in cleaning something that has no presence or has any worth maintaining it. 

Hmm, Rachel, I would like to stop you there. Don't go there. Please. The whole point of this conversation is to not plunge into our own spirals. We are here to lift us up and build on that note of acceptance. We will no longer look down on us. If it's ok, I would like to speak about me for few moments. 

Sure, Ranjit. Sorry . It's just. Never mind. Please go on. 

So, Being a guy especially after puberty is not a cake walk. We compare each other's physical attributes to an extent there is no sense of shame or reason in it. We make fun of each other's bodies and visible features without realizing that it doesn't always just stop at a passing joke. I am a full grown adult now but I am still finding it tough to accept the fact that I am not able to grow a solid beard and speak with a strong masculine voice. I have a proper man's voice but a noticeable treble to it and I curse myself when I am not able to speak loudly because my self imposed insecure guns will go ablaze. Boys used to compare ourselves in the restrooms, making fun of our bodies varying shapes and sizes, the amount of hair we grew on our legs and our moustache patterns etc. No one taught these things but we just did it , every batch of newly activated boys , did this to themselves as though , humiliating ourselves was a rite of passage to toughen ourselves into a man who can withstand anything. I realized clearly few years into my adulthood that I lacked depth in voice and facial hear and it pinched me every time one of my friends spoke about how tiring it is to maintain their beard and would scratch it. Some would say, ah , I feel bored of my look, I am going to go dutch now , go clean shaven now etc. I used to zone out, thinking how much I would give to speak simple sentences like that. I could never find the muscle to touch the trimmer as the fear of not seeing new crop of facial hair traumatized me.  I can grow facial hair, but it lacks depth and consistency and as a man, one loves to showcase their physique and masculine attributes out of plain vanity. I sounded different in mikes and once on a work call, I could sense the tension of the other person when they realized I was a man and not a woman. You have no idea how cruel the voices in your head can get. I have often felt such anger in the most trivial situations and I struggle to not show that anger around.

Ranjit, Ranjit . 

Yeah sorry . I now understand what you would have felt Rachel.

So how did you cope with all this, without going down a dark route , Ranjit. How did you manage?  

I don't know, I started noticing that I was not alone and there were others like me who had questionable physical attributes and challenges, some visible and some not. It then mollified my own harsh judgements. Though God punished me on these two areas, I can vouchsafe for my overall masculinity that I am no less of a man any otherwise, If you know what I mean.  Nothing really happens without a reason. Sometimes I used to wonder that in my past birth I probably made fun of someone and it has boomeranged on me in this birth as penance. But, who am I kidding. I am healthy, not obese , I sleep well , I eat what I like , I have people who love me for who I am and don't care a jot about these things , which I am making a big deal off.

How was it growing up as a girl , especially when it is important how you want to appear to the world. Have you made peace with it at all ? How do you manage , Rachel ?

I mean. I try to move on, but people just stare sometimes. Not consciously, but its the unconscious looks at my donkey tail hair that pinch me and I just want to pluck off whatever's remaining. Fortunately, I can say girls don't physically objectify themselves within , by making crass jokes on their complexion or physical attributes. We look out for each other. We even sometimes bond over our imperfections. Most of the time, we don't like to talk about it but the moment, a girl/lady opens up , man the walls come down crashing. I sometimes wear masks while I travel in train , trendy neck covers and hats when I am in casual places like the mall. But not for long. I just got tired off carrying that weight Ranjit. It's not just worth it. I mean, what does any of this matter If I drop dead tomorrow - will any one even care about how I looked ? What matters is How I lived my life. 

Can I touch you , Can I hold your hand for a moment Rachel , if that's ok ?

Well , ok . 

YOU HAVE NO IDEA, I SAY THE SAME TO MYSELF.  Does any of this matter if were to pass the next day ? It's humbling, assuring , scary to think that something like death reminds us of life's actual purpose. We are not here to keep rearranging our exterior ! We are here to live life the way it unravels naturally for us, work out our deeds, perform some responsibilities , make memories and embrace love all around. 

True right. It is a big deal, I am not downplaying that this doesn't matter to either of us and we can't deny this experience. We are being given this for a reason and the sooner we accept it , make sense of how we can work around it and try to fulfil our own yearnings of joy without being influenced by others is the key .

I always thought I needed a fellow man to talk about all these things, like a brother or close buddy but I am buzzed how I can actually empathize, get a sense of direction by talking to a female outside my family or friends. I never saw this coming and I believe this very conversation is a cathartic to both of us. Why should we suffer ? Why can't we just deny the emotion, steal it off its attention and hegemony over our life ? Are we worried about how our hands are when we sleep or how our toes are when we eat ? Why should we attach undue importance to this . Albeit, I also feel, one has to actually go through the depth to lift up to where we are now, in this moment. Pain that is experienced , alone can be healed. We should give pain and suffering the respect and attention it deserves , recognize its value before we begin to untie ourselves from its grip. We have had enough and let us not look at our situations with the same lens. Agree ?

Ranjit, it wasn't easy for me , to be honest. I am also shocked that I have been talking about these things to a dude but surprisingly our conversation has uncuffed us . Probably we both wronged someone and it was meant that we both were given a boon to help ourselves after we have been through enough turbulence ! Ha-Ha . I mean, why I am getting all philosophical and such.  I am a cool bitch y'all.

You go gal!  I wish you all happiness , and more. May you be kind on yourself, go easy on yourself and may you never ever, under any circumstance let another soul make you look down on yourself , especially on areas where you have worked hard to move on.

I wish you the same, with an extra dose of compassion and love, Ranjit. I can't give a toxic positive statement saying, I understand how it felt for you being a guy but I believe, we both have discovered a new path for ourselves . Let us march forward and drop all this nonsense in the past. Agree ?

100%  Rachel . 100 %

Come give me a hug now, champ  !