I am Sheila Pandiarajan . I work in a IT firm and with great support from my immediate family , I have nurtured a career spanning 22 years across different geographies and companies . When people talk about Women empowerment these days , I just frown at it . It's not a big deal when you lend support to a cause after it has gained momentum and social media publicity took over broadcasting every random incident happening all over the globe. Travel with me as I give you a time lapse of how a woman's journey was, back when all this feminism was just a concept on paper.
I am a bright mind , always have been - factually and humbly speaking. I have maintained a good academic record and maneuvered my IT career across 3 major technologies as and when the situation demanded it. However, trying to hold on to a job , was not easy when people were quick to take the decisions for you and assumed your priorities "in your better interests". Don't get me wrong here - I am grateful to have people in my life who offer voluntary care and affection on me. But at some point, I felt my individuality needed expression without any strings attached , you know, take my own decisions and own the results of it , good or bad.
Two years into my career, there was a minor scuffle at home on whether I should get married, or to continue my career waiting for the right man to co-partner my life. But no one knows how it felt for me to be a female who wants to make a name for herself at work when I myself was still figuring it out back then .
As the concept of being employed kicked in, I was curious to see if the guys were interested in me just for the heck of it. I enjoyed the occasional attention but never encouraged anything serious. I just tested the waters with my elbows. It was also an interesting initial 3 years as I learnt to navigate through Senior Male supervisors , junior boys and some peers who were few years around my own age. I had a chance to work with men from different backgrounds , intentions and capacities. I felt a sense of pride that I wasn't letting it affect me in a negative way. Well , some days were tough. Especially when I was going through monthly lady times , no one knew the mental or physical fatigue. I still maintained a carefree spirit, coming to work, managing the mental stress of holding on to my job and not break at the first crucial litmus test of being a 'Working woman'.
Some days really tested me, when I had to work late , but we weren't given laptops and the work had to be accomplished. Truth be told, these moments made me hate being born a woman. It's because, I had to leave on time, for my own security and to obey social cues, and the guys used to work longer shifts, got more work done and contributed more to the project's demands. They were decent about it, and fortunately I was evaluated fairly on my performance. My circumstantial inability to not match the hours with the gents was not a major gamechanger, but it did create a chip on my shoulder for falling short in an aspect I had little control on.
Five years into my career , I had a lot of pressure from family to get married. I did embrace the concept of being married to a man, but I never really wanted to settle down. I felt, sincerely that as long as I can make meaningful use of my time, skills and energy , the rational thing was to continue being employed. The groom hunting was no joke, lot of emotional roller coasters, tears, infighting , perspective course corrections, sacrifices and reality ruthlessly imposing various dimensions to my way of thinking ensued. But it all ended well when I could find myself a good suitor - not simply because I wanted to comply to my familial demands, but I genuinely believed in beginning a new phase of life for myself. He happens to be a Software Engineer himself and this helped us synchronize our view on life better.
Married life has always been good, but I still didn't see myself as a 'Woman' back then. I was a still a cherubic young girl at heart, who got married with the awareness that some things have changed about me. But I didn't let it affect how I generated a value out of my Life. We took it slow, conscious of how a pregnancy could impact my career and we were 'protective' of it. Until one day came and I found myself to be an expecting mother. Something about me changed that day, when I realized it was not just me anymore. I felt a strange sense of calm , sacrificial power enter me, as I organically realized that I don't need to be so 'in control' of life and sometimes letting it organize for yourself is itself a show of strength. I delivered a healthy baby Boy and thankfully it was not a C-section. I was willing to endure the pain of a normal delivery but the thought of being split open and let my body be under the mercy of a surgical procedure was my worst nightmare.
As I matured into a Senior IT professional, juggling the expectations of my work , managing the mood swings of my child ,in laws and sometimes my partner, I can only say it was all just what kept life entertaining. I was not always right, I did throw a fit now and then , without reason but every bad day actually made me realize that the 'normal' days were actually the 'good ones'. An occasional Award or two on the job made me happy. I still suffered from the handicap of being a Lady with bigger responsibilities as the Company policies ensured I was not disturbed outside work hours. But a lot of important decisions, casual discussions that gave way to crucial decisions were taken as the day eased and I couldn't help but let go of some situations. It is not logical of me, to dream of being a perfect success both at work and in personal life. My family definitely gained priority, the moments with my boy which shaped his character and manners are worth more than me attending an extra meeting and gaining impetus as a professional.
I was tempted to get a baby sitter over the years as we both were going to office those days and 'work-from-home' was still a 'Senior Management privilege'. I came back home, burdened and burnt from that day's work to sit through my child's innocent conversations, his fights with his friends and that math teacher who gave him punishment etc . Distractions are sometimes amazingly healing, especially when you handle multiple parallel priorities and you have someone to share the load with you. My partner, is worth his weight in gold , and I didn't mind him prioritizing his work above family a little more than me. I was conscious of how we were dividing our time between work and home and the responsibilities that came with it. Either of the two people in a relationship have to own certain aspects a bit more and as long as there is respect present, the imbalance itself will keep things in balance.
Unfortunately , this abused concept of feminism these days where people 'want to do everything men do', is questionable and digressing from the actual concept of why it began. It's about you being you, and organizing your life in a way you didn't feel de-valued . Not to mimic every aspect of the guys especially on the bad choices they sometimes make. We are women for a reason. Our primary characteristics is what make a woman. IF we ourselves don't embrace our ladyhood and compete in irrational ways in the name of 'Girl power' , I can only sulk at it and let them come to their own terms with time.
In the past, women were not given any opportunities. Then with time, they were given, but with terms and conditions and a long list of judgmental tenets. Then again with some time , they were expanded simply to sound 'inclusive' and be seen as 'Good People'. But , being a lady, in whatever career we choose, does come with the basic need to fulfil certain responsibilities and we can't be unmindful by thinking about our own preferences. WE can't turn a blind eye to some of life's real joys and meaningful experiences at the cost of inflating our pride. Then came a period where opportunities and challenges were both alike and we needed someone to encourage us , make us not feel guilty about pursuing our own interests and many women abandoned their goals due to this lack of support. Fast forward to today, there is absolutely no sense of divide between men and women, except may be in the restrooms. We have brought ourselves into every field, broken all barriers and almost dangerously going towards a culture that says 'you don't need a man'. Now that's toxic. We both need each other, how gracefully we achieve this , keeping the love and respect intact defines your intelligence here. Not gaining carte blanche in every aspect of your life and eliminating certain default parameters out completely.
To every girl reading this, remember -
As I look back now, over a towering 2 decade 'ongoing' career , I am happy I made the choices and sacrifices at the right times with the right force. You can always be your boss lady, but sometimes you need to remember to cut some slack for yourself, give way and let life and the people in your life align to your better interests. Don't settle unless you feel a conscious need to settle and not just for the reason 'I won't settle now - don't ask me why' attitude. Don't be silly. You ALL now have got a world which is more receptive to the voice of a woman unlike the conservative micro-aggressive world I grew up in. So, please , don't make choices without reason - learn to work with what's out there. The challenges, the people, the opportunities and aim to achieve an overall accomplishment from life . In your pride to be a numero uno in one aspect of your life, if you are a big 0 in all other aspects , simply because you avoided going through those experiences, you are not as successful as you think you are . Make good choices, in everything . Our grace defines our womanhood. Our resilience and indomitable will is what makes us a woman. And the courage to embrace our weaknesses and exhibit our natural emotions is also what makes us a lady. Just be alert to not be 'used' or disrespected or manipulated. You stay true to yourself and defend yourself like a true woman will do.
Happy Women's Day !
