Teach me to Pray , God!

I was returning from my work in a bus when I asked the conductor why no bus came for the past 45 minutes and suddenly one behind the other 8 buses came like a parade , much to the bewilderment of the frustrated passengers. The conductor told me that someone had stolen 1 sovereign gold ornaments , cash and some valuables from one unsuspecting customer and there was a severe investigation in all the buses that had the same number in the route and all of them were stalled at a station . My heart ached on hearing the news . With what prayer and expectation the concerned person would have bought the articles . The creative turbine in me began to process this incident in the below manner :

Oh Dear God, Teach me to pray ,

For I see just what I see ,

But your vision extends above and around ,

And I don't know what to pray or how to pray ,

For I believe in my prayer , And you

Always grant my prayer , So I am worried ,

How to pray for the correct blessing ?

Should I be sad that the person was a victim of robbery ,

Should I be apathetic to think that person was paying back their bad karma ,

Should I understand that you are teaching them the painful lesson of sacrifice , thereby bringing them closer to you ,

Should I be angry at you for allowing them to go through this incident,

Should I be angry at you for allowing them do a sin in the past there by making them face the consequence of this bad karma from the past ,

Should I be rational to think how desperate the Thief was to earn a livelihood by stealing ,

Should I simply be emotionally charged up to scorn the thief for the very act of stealing , no matter what his circumstances were ,

Should I be worried about the thief's future destiny when they themselves will have to payback for this bad deed of theirs ,

Should I be angry at you in the present , for allowing the thief to commit this sin ,

Should I be angry at you for not placing any good angels when the robbery was happening , thereby all their karmas are executed - the person becomes a victim of robbery, the thief commits the robbery but by your grace some good person watches this and catches the act , thereby themselves earned Good karma...

Oh Dear Lord , Teach me to pray ,

For I see just what I see ,

But your vision extends above and around ,

And I don't know what to pray or how to pray ,

For I believe in my prayer , And you

Always grant my prayer , So I am worried ,

How to pray for the correct blessing ?

Marriage - A Ribbon of Human Emotions

 

I never expected it to come to this. Perhaps I thought I was one of those who will never fall for this . But the situation sometimes , consistently tempt the horses of my self control who are grazing on empty lands of grass and almost at the verge of yanking themselves out of their moral reins. I brought it closer to my lips when a hard but comforting hand pressed my shoulders and slowly brought me closer to them into a hug of oblivion. It was my buddy Rohan . He gently took the cigarette caught between my amateur fingers that were about to release the very first arrow of death to my lungs . He looked at me , still holding my palms tightly into his , and said "It's fine." . Sometimes, a simple touch at the right moment can unlock the depths of your heart than an entire hour with a therapist . The dams of pent up unvoiced thoughts collected themselves into a highly pressurized water drop that was so viscous with months of my emotions finally fell down my cheeks , getting the release it needed. I moved closer to him and didn't speak anything for the next few minutes as one by one the pressure of the tears reduced . I began to undress my pride and self control. Rohan like me, is a parent of 2 children , except that his marriage was not at the risk of a divorce. I am Kiran , father of 2 kids , once upon a time participant of a happy marriage. 

It all started when I began coming back from office late at nights , mentally squeezed due to the pressure at work. All the political phony conversations, unexposed disappointments, unfulfilled recognitions but consistent role of an IT rat that made a decent living. Shylaja, my wife ran her own business with her friends and was an active social butterfly. We used to even go for morning jogs in the nearby park and please each other emotionally with our beautiful mannerisms. We silently envied ourselves, thinking will anyone else get a marriage that is void of ego but brim with emotional sexiness. Happy days turned into Happy nights which resulted in one fine day , when my first child Pravalika was born in a C-section procedure. This was the most ambiguous period of my life , when I was a circus of emotions. Tiredness, Fear, Fulfilment, Responsibility , Pride etc. Though it was my partner who delivered the baby and was rightfully entitled to be a powerhouse of hormones, I myself was having an orchestra of mood swings. Parenthood unlocks a whole new chapter of behavioral patterns in you that you believed never existed in you. Like for example, swallowing words that sped out of your mouth before during arguments , because now you understand that your wife is worked up with maternal duties. Pravi thankfully didn't give us nightmares as she was co-operative , except in matters of eating food, getting a bath, sleeping properly, breaking costly articles etc. Ah. I got you there - didn't I ? She was every bit of a horror story. But magically, somehow when she comes running into my arms asking me to lift her up so that she can smell my hair and scratch my beard, I instantly forget all the drama she caused as I blindly feel my heart wrapping around hers in an explained fatherly love. 

Days at the office were colorful, some days good , some days pure hell. But I never shared this with my wife nor allowed it to influence the time I spent with pravi. I was beginning to think I was growing an impervious mental fortress immune to any kind of turbulence . I grew on the job even as parenthood grew on me and quickly 3 years went by when my wife walked in one day and asked me to start saving money for buying diapers. We stopped putting diapers on pravi last year itself and this kind of amused me , until a full 60 seconds later when I realized Shylu had cloaked the message that she was expecting our number 2 in her charismatic sarcasm. I pulled her close and kissed her hard much to the point she yelled and pravi waltzed in her walker to protect momma lion. We stayed glued to each other like lizards for the next few minutes when my wife asked me, Can we do this ? . Little did I realize that the answer to this question was about to pivot my life in a whole new direction. We started baby proofing the premises, started coaching the very young pravi towards the concept of sisterhood even as we drowned her by our love assuring there was enough for the both of them. Pravi turned 4 as on her exact birthday Shylaja got admitted into the Pregnancy ward and out come our Boy wonder. Rahul , was our chosen name if it was a boy. And Boy it was. Sleepless nights ensued, Emotional roller coasters began for round 2 as we fought with fortitude trying to manage work , family , sleep and savings. Somewhere down the months, I invited some attitude cracks into my mental psyche as I began to grow short tempered at the slightest of triggers and Shylu began to be a complain box that just won't shut up. Our smiles took a reverse dip as we began to speak less and act more , catering to the duties of family, to a point we divided our day time into set of chores to keep the 2 children alive , happily. We stopped laughing at jokes together, romancing together , like how sometimes back in the day, I used to pull her by the waist to bite her neck and she sometimes slapped my behind etc 

Things took a turn for the worse when Pravi started going to kindergarten and Rahul was an exact replica of his sister in all her naughtiness. Both my kids are such high maintenance, to such an extent, I started apologizing every hour mentally to my parents for all the ruckus I might have done in my childhood. I started wearing a spectacle as long work hours and continuous cartoons put a strain in my eye and Shylu gained weight and began to lose shape. I too, started getting dark eyes and lost the youthful smile that I was once proud off. Now I simply looked like someone always rubbed chilly on my arse while I was drinking raw lemon juice. One day, when I was at home checking my work emails, Pravi was jumping and running and she came close to my desk and unexpectedly pushed my work laptop off the top as it fell down into 2 rectangular slabs. I was a hot mess. I can't a hit girl child however grave her error was, I can't shout as Rahul was being put to sleep nearby a half asleep Shylu and I simply threw my phone at her out of utter anger. I had to express myself in someway and my wife bore the brunt of it. The phone hit her forehead and fell flat on a sleeping rahul who now wailed at the top of his lungs. Chaos. I literally saw Death. I stood up instantly , cursing my existence and the turn of events as Shylaja with great great maternal instinct took rahul into the next room and pacified our boy. I looked at Pravi who now froze in shock as she could see that I was not her usual dad and she began to tremble and sob uncontrollably. I went out of the house and went to the nearby shop and asked for something which I never imagined will do. A Cigarette. I grabbed one and came to the nearby park , huffing and puffing , leaving our house in shambles , our daughter unattended, uncomforted, and my wife and son helpless. 

Rohan, who spent most time with me as we carpooled together daily to office and back, as he was also my neighbor, had followed the sudden noise in my house . He had asked his wife to go to my house to take stock of things, even as she brought her own two kids to our home and went to our room where Shlyu was at the verge of exploding. When she saw Rashmi, Rohan's wife, she erupted in a huge cry and began to yield to an uncontrolled flow of words that darted out of her mouth. A grown man myself , still required comfort and moral support though I can't just ask it as easily without appearing weak. My man , Rohan, who recognized that his usually composed  alpha buddy was now a mess of frail human emotions , sat beside me and took the cigarette out of my hands. We both returned, me still holding Rohan's hands in a very shocking display of masculine intimacy in an otherwise homophobic neighborhood of ours as we entered my home. There was an abominable graveyard silence as it increased my heartbeat even higher. Rohan pulled me near , held my head and said, Be yourself, breathe and don't hold back.  I then went to my room and when I saw Shlyu's forehead was bruised slightly because of my rant, I broke down into tears and shouted I am so sorry Shylaja , I just coudln't handle this much pressure , I am so sorry even as she gave Rahul into Rashmi's hands and dashed at me and hugged me so violently that we both fell down on the floor flat on my back and started crying our hearts out . Rashmi , couldn't hold herself any longer and began her own waterfalls as Rohan came in and played the lone warrior . He kissed her Rashmi on her forehead and said he will take the kids out to her Sister's place nearby, and asked her to guard the fort until myself and Shylu gained composure. It was a good half an hour , me and shylaja began to speak our hearts out, at the sudden distance that had developed invisibly between us as parenthood drew a wedge between us despite wearing the cloak of Family. 

Rashmi stepped out , the decent woman she was, as she realized our emotional outburst began to get personal and she didn't want to be attendance to the privacy of a married couple. She began to prepare coffee and some snacks, she knew our house well enough as our families are well acquainted with each other. All of us got a splitting headache and we settled after an hour. I messaged Rohan that the coast was clear and that he can return. I bent down to take my damaged laptop and collected myself . I was staring at unattended work emails, expense of repairing my laptop and a sure shot dig at my reputation. Not to forget , make Pravi understand that Daddy was not angry at her and he still loved her. And poor Rahul. What can I even say to him. He didn't even know dad almost injured his wide brown eyes out of anger and this is what ate my insides the most. With great gargantuan strength, I spoke to my boss
and explained my situation and offered to resign if they were unhappy of my conduct. Much to my surprise, my superior reminded me that , Managers and above who recently became Fathers had a clause in company policy where they can insure any damage to official property with a premium that got charged once a year as "Collateral Insurance". I totally forgot about this . First sign of peace enveloped me as I didn't have to pay any money from my pocket and simply had to worry about the rest of the matters. 

Noon crawled by , as still our residence wore the ambience of a storm that died. The kids were fed and resting when I pulled Shylaja closer, looked at her and said "Let's talk".

Marriage is never an easy affair. The honeymoon period is dangerously slim compared to the challenges it brings in our lives. But if we reminded ourselves to be connected with each other, no matter how consistently marriage caused tremors to our peace of mind, there is not a force that can break the bond. Never stop talking to each other - your mannerisms might change, the way you express your emotions , bodily and verbally might change, but the love in the heart will never fade unless you don't function from your heart. Don't go into automatic gear. Live by your valves. Put some life into your blood and oxygenate your being with empathy and the love with which you began your marriage will automatically circulate your relationship Every one of us deserve to live a happy peaceful satisfying life and it is the responsibility of both the partners to remind each other that they are source of this Love for each other . Peace.

The Happiness Project

 

So I was walking along a nice water body trying to surpass the guilt of having had 2 sweets after my lunch . I cursed my undisciplined way of reaching out to short term ways to make my physical body happy. I began walking with more furiousness such that I almost started dashing onto slow walkers in front of me . I was so disappointed in myself that I was not able to last even a few days trying to not include sweets in my diet. It is bad for me, but damn they taste good and even damn, they settle in the body for good. See here's the thing about the human mind. For some time we suffer because we "don't know" a detail. After a while, when we know a thing or two, we continue to end up ignoring the valuable information we received and still continue to suffer. For eg, when I was in a far off place, I opted for quick a breakfast and bought 12 packets of a chocolate smoothie that was promoted as a breakfast replacement with a host of different vitamins and nutrients. It is my habit that I look up on the details of my food stuff out of curiosity and a childish satisfaction that the more I read about the nutrition profile, the more of it will be absorbed in my body as I consume it.  Don't ask me , It's one of my weird traits. So, when I looked up on the product after having it for a few days , the internet , the stupid internet , calls out that the product adds loads of sugar and artificial sources of vitamins, which are synthetic , which only adds pounds and doesn't tend to aid the body the way it claimed. No wonder the product tasted so good and by the time I learnt this information, I had acquired a taste for it and didn't have the heart to donate it to others as one packet cost 3 USD. I went on to use all the packets with the exception of 1 or 2 which I shared with a buddy who also seemed to dig it. Instances such as these happen from time to time and it got me thinking back in the retrospective walk where I was on a self imposed guilt cardio . What is that really makes me happy ? A eureka moment just dawned on me making me analyze the notion of staying happy and desiccate from a pragmatic unemotional angle. 

It is ok , at first to just experience the happiness out of the most trivial of life's temptations. You know, a cheat snack, watching a romantic movie after your parents slept when you were just hitting adolescence , standing for a longer shower when there is water scarcity etc . Random stuff. But there must come a time in each one of our lives when we should ruminate on this source of happiness , its actual impact and evaluate if it's worth the time and effort we invest in it. Take a moment now, think of something that makes you happy. It can be anything . Mandatory caffeine, sweets after dinner, binge watching, excessive internet time, window shopping ,  sleeping after sun came up etc. 

Now offer "this thing/habit/object" that makes you happy,  it to the following questions :

• How often do you make yourself happy in this way?
• How long does this make you happy, how long does it last.
• Do you compare how happy it makes you, by looking at others who pursue the same kind of happiness?
• How often in a day , you consciously crave for this sort of a thing to make you happy ?
• How disturbed are you, if at one of these attempts , you don't get to experience this source of happiness and how long does this disappointment last ?
• Have you ever tried to stay away from this source of happiness to see if you are addicted to it?
• How long have you lasted without practicing it - how much of it you have under your control ?
• How much time do you waste / invest in trying to make yourself happy in this activity/habit.
• What has been the negative impact on you, as you have kept yourself "happy" with this habit?
• Have you been able to store the happiness from this "thing" and comfort yourself in times of trouble ?
• Have you tried sharing this mode of happiness with those around you ?
• Have you at any point of time, felt it became more of a habit than actually make you happy like it did the first time ?

Ask yourself these razor edged questions and let the pain you get from the answers affect you. LET IT HIT YOU. Sometimes, we never notice something until we are well past the point of reversing the damage and we have to put an excess of our energy to go back and undo the piled up damage. This is the most painful part. Trying to not feel happy about something that you are so accustomed to. This very exercise of undoing , re-orienting your mind to not experience a certain emotion that was it's default settings and retrain it, make it forget is so exhausting. But after a while, when there is consistent effort, you notice it's effects tend to wither away.  With great regret we realize that the momentary high's that seemingly made us feel so happy , intoxicated at those moments , didn't really have the lasting effect it should have had. 

Now you can question me - Isn't the human mind itself meant to forget things , over time - be it pain or pleasure . True, no one can truly remain happy for a long time unless they are truly spiritual and are done with the worldly existence. That is a deep subject, but that's the undeniable truth. Atheists might argue, I can remain happy by being kind to my fellow beings , being a good person sans religion and not even think about God. Any further comments on this will be a digression , but I can only say , nothing that comes with a shelf life is permanent. Be it objects or people - if your source is not the actual source, it will not be in-force for long. Moving on..

If we learn, as we age to derive happiness out of our respective "sources of joy", in moderation, we tend to remain happy on a more durable period. We will be in control of what makes us happy, and not vice versa. We consciously do something that makes us happy and also control how it affects us and how long.  If you ask me, my vice is food. I am a foodie at heart - when I have my lunch , a food that  I enjoy, I enquire what's for dinner and if it happens to be something I like, I become happy in advance even as I was currently in a delightful mien. This is toxic. We should not make an effort to be happy. Happiness should not come with terms and conditions, riders and clauses. It should be a natural state of mind. An effortless way of life. An unconscious default setting. That is how we must evolve . 

I leave it at that. Now spend a moment or two and allow the content of this post to simmer in your mind and let it cook in your consciousness . May your answers guide you in making better decisions and save you from patterns that don't serve you any more. Let this be a good awakening for you. May you learn to maintain yourself in a state of mind that is pleasant and in control of your intellect. 

The excitement doesn't last - let's not be in a hurry , so that we don't worry later ! 

10 Days to Heaven

 

I am Rishidhar Kundane . I am flush with money. To paint you with a picture of how rich I am, if I walked over to my 15th floor balcony  , and accidentally dropped my wallet with 10000 INR cash, I wouldn't pursue it. Money came to me abundantly, thanks to my forefathers and my wise investment decisions. I obviously purchased properties, destroyed and rebuilt them into better ones, got a family and 4 kids . A fleet of cars and a n army of househelps who run each floor of my house.  Just one thing though, I have got 10 days to live. I happened to make some impulsive choices in lifestyle, many of which I can't describe here for I don't have the guts of Gandhi to just empty them out for public consumption. I lived a respectable life till now and for post humous drama I am not going to act all pure from within. Let my dirty laundry be buried with me. It's not and will never be for public air to dry. On the outside, I could walk , eat and sleep and do all things normal , that meets the eye. But on the inside, due to my condition, the shutdown procedure was in progress. I don't know what good deed I did in this life or in the past, I don't feel it painful though, just a bit weak and could see that my body is not functioning with full vigor. All the money, the dazzle, it all appears so categorically insignificant to me.  I am for the first time, so dumbstruck how life can make one so powerless despite with all access to it. This is what you should know, remember, how you go, is decided by how you went through. 

I called on my closest relatives and let them know that I am in a good mood and that I am going to make some personal choices , take a break from all the buzz and maintain low profile. But for my wife and eldest son, no one knows that I have got my exit ticket. I still attempt to go with honor and pride because that's how weak the human mind is. It hugs onto ego till the very last moment, until you just can't afford to breathe anymore. I let them know that out of the gains from my last year, I wished to share some of the bounty with them and administered a private auction in my 11th floor. I had my 5 lawyers , 10 witnesses, personal doctor and 3 bodyguards around me and a secret camera that filmed the entire procedure. I had internally decided to give out 10 million from my overall worth to those outside my immediate family , in a last minute gesture of munificence, to win a direct flight to the best place in the after life. Here's the thing, you can't bathe all the time in mud , splash the mud all over the others and then when you get out, give them a clean towel and a mug of water. There is no cost that can quantify the pain of pain, disrespect and grief you inflict on those around you. The cost is , the exit ticket and a well planned out karmic procedure until the last breathe escapes you , after having taught you the weight of your actions. Let me take a break here, it got little Bhagwad Gita here. 

So, I let my wife and Lakshyan  , eldest boy be aware of my plan to take out 10 mil and decide on the most ethical share on the remaining assets among the family. They were surprisingly obliging and worked with me in my last assignment - before the final flight. After having made my close relatives spellbound with the million rupee share that I just handed over to them.  I next, called on the parents of the most poorest students in the school where I was Executive Board Member and waived their next 5 years education fees. That moment, 10 set of hands came running to my feet as it got wet in quick time , by the tears of gratitude that was ejaculating from the parents. You might wonder , how poor parents could even afford a seat in my school. I had locked them with a bond where they have to attend to the works of my factory in return with education for their children and half the salary the others got. I sent them out, that took out another million . I called on all the 100+ servants who worked hand-in-mouth in my 15 floor Mansion and gave out them each cheques appreciating their individual best decisions during the time they served me and my interests. I also had them sign a bond to continue working for the family until they were fired. That took out half a million. I called on my lawyers to spread the remaining half a million between them exclusively for attending my last set of legal works . 

It had to be perfect, my signature is a complex one, so no one can forge it and they worked like donkeys to make sure my documents and assets were in order . 3 down. Another 7 to go. I then called on my astrologer to whom I had given an assignment to identify the most deserving charities, that really did the work they claimed. My astrologer is also well connected , so he tends to direct people into acts of charity as a divine remedy for escaping the bad planetary placements. I invested a million  exclusively for the Food Donation schemes across charities, temples, mosques and churches that really stood out and used it exclusively for the cost of procuring food and serving it. I had one of my lawyers nominate a guy to oversee that the funds where exclusively used just for this purpose and the best decisions were made in spending it, so that they don't over spend it or waste it or cheat it to make gains. I split half a million and set up an emi scheme for the next 5 years as salary for the auditors and legal counsellors who will oversee this Food Donation Project. I had 3 of my grandkids come and select 10 random patients who were suffering from severe illness , whose profiles were selected from the Internet Fundraisers. The 10 patients that were selected, were to be granted equal share from the half million for their treatment expenses . 5 Mil to go. 

I called on the chief minister's office of my state and pledged 1 mil for the recent pandemic that took out breadwinners of families and whose income was severely punctured and assigned the responsibility to my second child , Vindya Srimandar. The CMO was kind enough to broadcast this on media and the goodwill poured in. 4 to go. I called on Best Universities across 5 states in the South and Told them that I will be transferring a certain amount to their college funds to be given as scholarship to the best student whose family income was the least.  I let them know that, the candidates should write an exam and an essay on the 10 greatest things My forefathers and myself did. I had to make sure the legacy lived on, and even if this appears supremely egotistic, I need to make sure my progeny has enough merit to keep running my empire. I suggested that the exam syllabus should be something relating to the tradition and culture of India , in order to make them earn their scholarship with pride in the nation. 3 to go. I called on my 3rd child who was doing his masters in Psychiatry and made him prepare a list of major psychiatric   hospitals in India. As the cost of treating mental illness is high, not to mention the permanent impact it has on the patients due to the treatment nature. I invested half a million in granting treatments to girl patients, rape survivors , child rape victims , acid attack victims and transgenders who suffered form mental illness. I asked him to work on a list of most severe cases by working with the institutions and bearing the cost of treatment for these selected patients . I invested the other half million in the healthcare treatments of old prisoners in jails across the country who were serving life sentences due to various crimes. I did this, with the intention that, If by some stroke of miracle, I survived, despite the mistakes I had done in my life, how grateful I would feel. 

The last 2 mil were to be dealt with. I called on a famous internet blogger and made him document all of this in a book , which will be an Exclusive book on this final mission of mine . I had him sign on a non disclosure, non reversible , unbreachable bond that swore to secrecy of this mission as all of this were only known to those who were immediately benefited by my philanthropy and I had to get the word out through a book. He will not divulge the contents to anyone, he will not take up any new projects and he will have to ensure the book gets published in best shape and sells out across the country. You might ask, how is this even a charity. I invested half a mil as salary and publishing expenses to him for his efforts , which will be paid only after the book sold 1 lakh copies and the proceedings of the profits will go to environment projects in my state. I am a businessman till death. 1.5 mil pending. I called on my last child, Harshitha who is an Animal's Right Activist and Honorary member of PETA by virtue of her education and my reputation. I instructed her to identify 10 zoological parks that were being challenged for maintenance of the birds and animals and to oversee the costs of protecting the wild beast and birds and to nurture them to good health with quality food and living conditions. I gave her a cheque of half a mil and ordered her firmly to take on this project with full sincerity. Last mil pending. I split half of it , across government hospitals in my state for cost of proper burial and cremation of unclaimed bodies due to various reasons . I am myself going to go in a few days, I want to make sure , I had people waiting to welcome me in gratitude as I arrive up there . The last half a mil, I gave it to my wife, under the condition that she must use it for charity projects at her discretion, on my name after I departed. I wanted to give her a share of the Good karma for having played my Wife in this life.

These proceedings consumed 7 days of my left time and I could see that I was nearing. I wanted to get a breathe of fresh air one last time, and I stepped outside my mansion without my armor bulletproof suit and bouncers . I would have gone 10 steps ahead when a bullet came and hit my neck slicing a chunk of flesh. I was profusely bleeding. I blacked out instantly. I didn't even get to say goodbye to my family nor offer a prayer in my private mandir inside the mansion. I wasn't sure where I will be now heading to . I was losing consciousness. I was disappearing, as I could see my guards doing something to my body. My time was shortened , but just in time before I could execute my last project. I leave with a satisfied heart and soul, as I am well aware of the mistakes I made, but I was human enough at least in the end , to remember that when the time comes, there is nothing in this earth that can extend it but Love. It was discovered that the person who pulled the trigger was hiding , waiting for me to come out for the past 7 days to assassinate me. But God kept me breathing for 7 days as I was redeeming myself for the actions of the past, out of love for the creation he created. My love for his creation, won me his love, as I escaped a premature ugly death , had I came out the 1st day itself. 

Love alone Triumphs. And that is the Truth, that always Triumphs. 

Never ever desert love from your heart. Because, that's all that matters in the end. 

Peace.  

Act#3 , Scene#15 : Lights Camera Action : Movie -God

 

Hey ! Look . The water volcano is about to go off , are you guys getting any signals ? The One God who dissolved himself into different forms asked one of his own forms. J replied , I am getting some from Europe and the United States. V added, I am getting heavy traction as well from India . B said he was getting some mild signals from Lanka and Thailand . What do you think we can do? Turn off this one ? We need some of them back , because they are done with their time allotment there . But we also need to make sure their signals are not left unattended. What can we do now ? As they combined their energies, they came up with a solution - to grant kids to all those who were slotted to be childless and select next batch of possible beings that deserved next chance at godhood . The underwater volcano went on to explode and it sent shock waves all over the place to India, Srilanka, Thailand along with tourists from Europe and the Americas that were there visiting  in all surrounding regions. The headquarters of god prepared to receive heavy inflow of distress signals A, J, V and B tuned their antennas to receive the incoming souls back into them and send them to the One God for final dealing. 

Tons came , as bodies piled. The Gods adjusted the weather parameters as the rain clouds were pushed further away from the volcano to allow its complete ejaculation. Fishes, turtles , sharks and whale souls came hurling towards the animal department in God's Headquarters as his forms allotted next bodies for the incoming souls. They saw how much Love they had in their hearts and accordingly they were assigned next roles at scheduled timelines. Some of them with little bad deeds still had a minuscule of time left to be served on earth's physical regions and they were put into winged white-ant bodies. They were estimated to last at the most few days in a body to return back to the gods , unless by some last minute poor choice such as stealing other insect's foods, destroying other eggs or attacking unintended targets would slowly make them return to the cycle.

The God's watched as creation and destruction was simultaneously happening all over the world and preservation had to be balanced to the right 1000000th decimal to make sure the souls journey's are rightly in sync with the calculator of the gods. Ahura Mazda walked in , and said he might need some assignment for North America and Iran. J shared some of his children and A shared some with Ahura as Jain said his quota was to be fulfilled in the next planned excavation . The Gods working round the clock, to make sure the universe continued to function the way it was , as the earth ruthlessly kept spinning , numb to the prayers and cries of the current crop of destroyed inhabitants. It was balanced by the procreation of its own inhabitants who were silently engaged in the process of lovemaking. Earth stood as witness to all the action, simply acting as an instrument to the strings of the Divine acting from it's different forms from the above.

Next month was A's turn to send some love as it was the month of Ramzan and he expected huge inflow of prayers from his domain. J sent a lot of love last December for his physical birthday and it improved the wellness of thinking patterns briefly as he had good coverage overall . J and A joked at V and S saying that they get to have most attention in a calendar year, thanks to the many days around Ekadasi and Sivarathri and Pradoshams, where they got lot of signals from India. They all simultaneously sent their energies in a fresh hope that mankind will learn to live with each other no matter what color or form or name they attached to the multifold all encompassing indivisible divine that deliberately split itself across names and forms just for the fun of running the multiverse. Their combined love missiles hit their respective domains on earth as new and vibrant leaders began to get elected in their regions , whose sole focus was welfare of their society with no room for hatred on religious grounds .

The one God watched as his own self was acting through in different avatars in the name of different religions with their respective ethics , scriptures , chants and rituals all in a display of his wit and disciplined cosmic drama. A , J, B , V and S came into the One God's chambers for further discussion as their proxies continued to monitor the signals from Earth to inspect the good and bad deeds of humanity and the creatures along with a firm hold on nature to make sure nothing went out of the charted plan for the universe. Love . That's all that matters. No matter whether you cup your arms and pray , kneel and pray , fall on your feet or carry a sword or shave your heads. These are just differences for the sake of differences. In the end, protecting the good and the godly, by stemming all that is not seen as right conduct, with love in the heart is the one invisible twine that is strung across all our hearts.

         

Realize this, whether you were short or dark , tall or white, small or fat ,rich or poor, lucky or unlucky, for a reason. You are the way you are for a reason. Your outward appearance or life situation doesn't matter.  Accepting the highs and the lows and continuing to remember your link with the creator is the Goal. Rest all is just gap fillers. Your body and Social status is just a casing for the inherent divine inside you that needs to be tapped out in your chosen name/form. Denying God doesn't negate God. Whether the blind man denies the existence of the rainbow, it is still present. Whether the seed denies the existence of the farmer that is tending to it or not, the farmer continues to pour water and add manure to nourish it. It might never get to see the farmer that is toiling at it with so much dexterity, but it can't settle with the falsehood that the farmer is never there. It might assume its the clouds that sending the water, which is also true . But that again is the higher power, that can never be eliminated whether given due recognition or not.

May peace be upon all mankind and Earth. 

The Glamorous Gwalior Gladiator

 

Naked. That's how I get to afford what I eat & drink ,  where I sleep and live my life. 27 years before in a simple Gwalior scene, I was delivered to a loving couple who were blessed with good looks and physical fitness and whose physical description ticked the modern boxes of Beauty Standards. Good genes and sheer destiny got me into this business , not that I regret about it , but I never get to talk about this to anyone honestly due to its sensitive undertones and the imminent danger it poses to my career. You see , people in the modelling industry , are supposed to appear ruthless and empty on the inside. If we begin to show our humaneness, it takes away the glam. We want to play with the sensory temptations of people, not tug at their heart strings. After surviving schooling and a jittery graduation phase, people coming and pushing me to take up a career in Modelling became a norm. I got immune to people looking at me , objectifying me for my physical appearance like I was a piece of something they can chew . It did reasonably feed my ego , you know , looking down on the rest of the world, or at least the majority who don't "look" good and here I am, strutting my egotistical body around creating unnecessary sense of remorse in them for not being a treat to the eyes. Gym happened , somewhere after my 12th grade, a hormonal adrenaline decision, like boys of that age, I signed up for the gym and started adjusting the fat on my body adding some more definition to my physical self. People in the family often didn't connect with me for some strange reason, as though they had a hunch that I wouldn't somehow settle for a regular life and there is no point connecting with me and that probably I would fly away to some place afar where I will create a Life of my own. Scarily though, their alleged hunches aren't distant from reality. Because, right now , I am baring all for the cameras , to show the world my nude body for costly magazine covers . I am Dwanith and I am a Nude Model. 

I did enjoy all the attention initially, you know the joys of people hanging out with you , when all they have in mind is to get themselves some attention banking on your sparkle. I did fall for it in the beginning, when I used to assume my boys were good friends , they cared about me and what not. But , through conversations and experiences , I could infer that they were simply "there with me" , not "for me". It was a mere band aid friendship to my charm. When this goes away, they  would go. But the money kept coming. I started posing for salon shops banners and local ads, which usually had popular Boy artists from the Western world. Some generous local businessmen dared to invest on me , as I had a different look. I don't appear Indian nor western , I am what you call a Donut Dosa. I am here and I am there , and as though destiny approved off my choices, my photos clicked with the audience and people began to take notice. Until that day came, when a popular Model Hunter came to our neighborhood by sheer chance , as he was working for another established artist. Word travelled and in a few hours, I was in a room with this guy, making propositions to me ,to take my profile sky-high for he claimed he saw something in me that the world hasn't seen already. As I write this, I stare at the irony of it, as now everyone has seen it all and I have nothing to hide. A few tough conversations with my parents and siblings, but in the end, I did manage to accompany the guy for a few shoots. I was actually changing my outfits in a room , when I came out for the next shot and this guy suddenly comes up to me and says "I think I got what I wanted - we will be in touch with you ! Here is my card, and when you call , tell Brown Gold as a code and they will put to me." It sent a chill down my spine, as the idea of going global tickled my senses a few hours ago and now everything became ambiguous suddenly. I simply nodded , and walked back to my place unclear on what's about to happen. 

Sheethal, one of my college exes suddenly called me one evening, she was a SEO Analyst for a Company and goes "You sexy bitch, You never told me !.". I had no clue what the heck she was talking about when she sent me a link to that month's subscription of the magazine and somewhere in the middle, there it was. A photo of me, changing my dress, my face was buried in the Tee as I was trying to get it out through the neck and a short trunk below almost giving away my dignity. They had actually placed cameras in the Changing room and with the help of some good lighting and camera tricks, they managed to make me look like 5X times Sexier. I immediately grabbed my phone, sent an email to the company asking for an explanation and demanded a call from the agent ASAP . As though, they were expecting this reaction, a man with a heavy baritone dialed me from an international number and asked for the code word. BrownGold.  I shrieked. Then it hit me, apparently , the agent assigned some codes to such kind of model finds and we were also tagged with a price for our worth. The guy on the other side of the line patched me to the Agent, whose voice I could instanlt recognize. He said " Hey buddy. Look at you. You were not a failure after all. You got the goods honey. I want you here. I need you here . You will make a living out of yourself , you will see some good dough . You will see it all and the world too , will see it alllllllll ". He dragged the last word weirdly. I managed to get some more details from him, work out a plan where I was slotted to travel with a plus one , to accompany me ( I called in my cousin , Shaman ) to the West . 

Things would have it, once I was there, we checked-in to a hotel and then went to the site where the next shoot was going to happen. This guy walks up to me and gives me a cheque for 1000USD and says that's my cut from the last shoot and to cash it in soon before they went bankrupt, followed by a guffaw.  Stunned as I was, from this sudden Money heist, a lady in a single piece came near me, patted my bottom and slid her finger all the way from my bottom to my spine to my neck and whispered in my ears #509 and winked . I was exploding from within. My man Shaman, beside, was equally intoxicated and disturbed, as all sense of morality seemed to drop off from us. He showed me the calculator app on his phone, converting the 1000 USD to INR and we both ate our eyes out. I asked for a break and we both went into a room and let out a huge cry , hugging each other and slapping each other's face and jumping and hugging again. He was about to slap me again, when I told in pure vanity - "Shaman , this is a 1000 USD face, no one touches it . Be my manager brother. Let's make this happen !" Again we shouted and after we had come to our senses, stepped out to see a world lost in their own trance.  As though this sudden Mood spike was not enough, a guy waltzed in wearing nothing and did a chin-up to me and goes " Vince, Delta . Welcome !" . We were both stupefied to encounter another man in his birthday suit as it was a jolt to our our comfort zone. I managed to chitchat with a few people at random and gather a perspective of what on earth was going on here.  I messaged Sheethal, that I was about to strike it big and whether she would care to be my publicist. I gave her the details she needed to hear and after a few months, Sheethal-Shaman-Dwanith became the BrownGold Brand. Sheethal , was a free spirited chick with liberal parents and good amount of money. So, it was not a challenge to bring her here for this role. But it took a good amount of speech, drama and convincing to make my parents approve of my temporary stay abroad for a few months . 

A few months turned out to be a year and then now , we are here for good. I have become used to a certain level of luxury and lifestyle, that it was sometimes not possible for me to mix with people from my past even if I wanted to. I had to maintain my dainty choices, act and speak in a certain manner, I also gently got my banners from the local salons removed , back in India as it would harm my reputation to be put up in projects with no money earned from it. I began to see my everyday as a reason to make money. I live to make money . That became my motto.  We purchased ourselves a condo , good enough for the 6 of us , incase we found a special someone for each other.  My life became their life. Sheethal and Shaman, transformed around me, we grew as a brand. My days would be spent in following trends, experimenting products and my nights would be exhausted in staring at the lens with or without clothes, and sometimes an occasional passionate encounter. I enjoy this life. I didn't purposefully want or plan for this, but I just kept humoring the choices and opportunities that came my way. As I built myself here, I made sure my folks back in India were also well attended to. Due to the kind of business I was in, I couldn't afford to go to my previous life in the past. I had to sneak out of airports, ensure any public place I was at had no cameras, or hidden voyeurs in an attempt to get leverage for some saucy tabloid content on my name. My parents live comfortably and peaceful, or at least, I like to think so. We connect once in a week , over a video call, when I make sure no one disturbs me as I get to have real conversations , in my realest self with my parents who rain such love on me, as I look back at them with a sense of buried Guilt, in the corner of my mind, wondering If in some way I have failed them by my choices. But that guilt is usually short-lived. Thanks to my camera commitments , as I said, I live to make money and Naked is how I have my honey on my bread.......

A Threefold Existence - The Undefined Human Race

 

  #pride    

Can you imagine yourself as a kid , who is in a situation who wants to badly urinate and you are unsure if you have to go the men's room or the women's ? How can you handle a situation when nature and fate is your arch nemesis . Being put in a situation where there is no solution for the most common and trivial of situations is a regular way of our life.  The expression "I pissed on myself" literally happens to several of us out of extreme frustration as we curse the very existence of our physical self , unable to take a clear decision in which restroom we should rightfully relieve ourselves. The situation is at its nadir especially when the transformation onsets without a warning and neither ourselves nor our family-friends are able to take a comforting first step. Welcome to the Threefold existence of being a Transgender - The Undefined Human Race. 

It is unknown if we should blame our mother for not feeding us properly or taking the right foods when we were in the womb or our fathers for impregnating our mothers with 2nd degree sperms. Whatever was the reason, we end up coming in to the world with  so much excitement , only to be quickly extinguished in a few years for our failure to comply with the tried and tested human patterns of "Normalcy" and "Ideal existence". Man or Woman or Hmmm ? Are we a mere sound ? Are we indescribable ? Don't we also have 5 senses ,  experience hunger, sleep and sexual energy and the ability to defecate no matter how twisted our bodies might be ? It's not always the scorn that infuriates us, it's the sympathy that comes from a place of lack of understanding from the ( normal ) people. People are unclear how to live with us , man to man, woman to woman. Co-existing with us itself is like asking too much off them , so much that we end up magnetizing ourselves into bubbles in the society where we live together and grieve together about why we were even born. We can't even hear ourselves laugh in public simply due to the physical and vocal mismatch and we end up having heads dart at us in shock , like "what was that sound..." . If human civilization evolved to transport themselves across oceans , if they can  make love to themselves even if they were of the same gender , if they can create new currencies , if anything appeared to be possible for humanity , why is our existence still not normalized ? Is is that big of an ask ? Tell me one thing , Yes. Our reproductive organs had got jumbled , our physical anatomy is crooked , our mental space is ambiguous , unable to decide when to be a man or woman ; which is the more dominant part of ourselves etc - But does that mean our entire race should be forever  marginalized , oppressed ? Raped women and Black folks have had revolutions that roar their unfortunate mistreatments , but one must understand something here - a normal person doesn't put petitions and sue people - a rape survivor does, an acid attack survivor does . Normal people in normal situations don't cause uproars. When abnormal situations are the primary reason for normal people to rise in fury , what are we to say when our very normal existence is abnormal for no reason of ours?

Men ogle at us and Women avoid us , Boys tease us and Girls dominate us . Chaos is our friend for life.. All this internal vacillations of trying to figure out our identity from within converge in making us physically aggressive , coarse on the exterior and wounded in the interior, a colorful mess of human disaster . Our Indian counterparts often break down devastated when they narrate the day they were taught how to do the "clap" . The very sound of the clap is one of our identities . A sound. How different is this from a moo or a bark or meow. They give excruciating details of how they practice the clap and how to look people in the eye with confidence , how to decide what to wear and plan the most simplest of human gestures which are done effortlessly by the blessed normal ones. This constant ostracizing condescending pattern makes so many of us do the worst of things. Selling our bodies to maggots who would literally spread their legs or insert into anything that moved . We smell all the time. We smell of years and years of accumulated dirt from the tears that never saw a comforting hand to wipe it off. No designated , respected place of stay , no source of clean food or drinking water, tottered clothes and what not. We snatch food and articles from people and bully them into participating in acts of charity by wielding ourselves as witches who can curse people into doom . We expose our bodies to shock and stun people and capitalize that reaction into lending us something to live through the day. If one of us got sick, we can't even sit for a health check up without someone asking us to leave or treat us like rabid dogs. A temple , mosque , church doesn't make a difference for us , for we don't get to enter anywhere that easily for worship.  Worst of all, parents allow kids to make fun of us by making gestures and calling us names and numbers. And think about our marriage life - with all this happening , can we even dream of getting married and starting a family ?

But there are some blessed sisters and brothers in our community as well , who meteor into the highest ranks by making a name for themselves in music, fine arts , social care and education systems . What irks and frustrates us is to see some rich people who undergo operations to convert themselves into the other gender , spending so much money through risky surgeries , implants and injections. If these rich individuals, who deliberately manipulate their bodies , spent a fraction of their money in our health care, in our daily sustenance , they would have earned so much blessings from the Transgender community. One must spend a thought to think if the calls of vanity need to be honored with such attention, when us folks fight to become normal. 

When governments can build bridges and erect statues , when leaders can take care of physically challenged , blind and deaf friends , can't they not build societies for us where we have access to all the basic needs of life in every city like how there are railway quarters, army quarters? Until we build ourselves and grow respectfully into healthy , mature citizens we can live in these societies instead of living in the dark slums . Once we had shaped us into confident capable individuals , we can contribute something back to society and also derive comforts that are meant for all. You have no idea how much hope and yearning each one of us have . Whether to put it on god and fate, who created us like this , or blame humanity who fail to see look past our curse ,  being a transgender in a world that is hopelessly exponentially expanding across all horizons is the biggest hypocrisy of nature. We wouldn't completely say that situation is not getting better compared to the years before. We have inclusions in documents , forms , restrooms and it is catching up . But it is happening at a snails pace and in less effective contexts.  It is a remedy applied after all the damage is done during the preceding years of judgement and derision.  Not all of us get to live long , happy and wealthy - not even the normal ones . If that is the case , is expecting kindness & respect without judgement that big off an ask?

Take pride in who you are, but don't deride us because of it. 

A White Man's day in an Indian Summer

Hey Y'all. My girl Ibiza and myself, Jimmy travelled to Indeea for a time away from our usual pandemonium back in the US. I swear to the good lord, I began to respect the Indians , especially the Chinnai people beyond the 7th heaven for so graciously putting up with the local sun. Have you ever planned an outing with your partner for months, and end up sleeping separately , despite making all the other arrangements ? Ibiza and myself found ourselves a good Hotel property and it had all the finer aspects of a romantic night - light food, cheesy colors , good air conditioning and a gentle flora aroma wafting the corridors and all that was left to do was , you know. I leave it to you.

But once we entered the room, as if by some witch's spell, we both detested our very physical presence and we quickly stripped ourselves of all clothing and slept on separate beds with a big thud and went off to sleep , and believe me, ( I hope she doesn't ever read this ), I wouldn't have done anything else that night to make me so happy other than sleep with my arms and legs stretched covered by fine satin and puffy pillowcases. Reason ? Y'all out there who haven't been to India during the summer don't know what it is to be roasted and cooked in the sun during the day. 

It all began in the morning, when she had made a big list of things to do. Typical girlfriend protocol, thanks to her Indian friend Nadia from chinnai who she connected and gave out the directions to the last T from eating certain dishes and swiping my dollars in shops where should could just paint herself Indian. My puppy literally went into every shop and tried out ornaments for every single hole in her upper body. I didn't notice much of tattoo or hair coloring here, as people seemed to have a dark shade of hair with a rare sighting of a young man or woman with some streaks. The girls out here seemed to be interested in jewelry and different styles of clothing like the saree and choodidharrr. Ibiza had little to eat , but her bag kept increasing by the hour and I just let her have it, the woman had been putting long hours at her work and she deserved all the joy out of every penny she made. 

I treated myself to an occasional soda and didn't bother to try clothing as I have a lean butt and the trousers were not really matching my size. I did buy some wallets, keychains , a casual vest with a Go-India ! sign in it for memories and my bar buddies back in LA. Suddenly, I saw myself in a mirror and man ! I was like I just got myself beetroot facial. I had turned so pink and the places where I had been carrying some weight , it had weird white marks and I looked like Pig Broth covered in cheese. Ibiza herself looked equally pickled but she was so engrossed in the ethnicity of the place that she was running on auto-pilot, not minding of the occasional jibes from certain local people who made fun of her . But the people were largely friendly and didn't appear to be threatening. 

I was badly dehydrated and my eyes were scouring the neighborhood for some coconut water or chilled lime soda. I just spotted one and in my excitement landed on a big pile of cow dung . I froze out of shock , I was embarrassed and turned red only to be brought back to senses by Ibiza's shrill gargantuan laughter. A good Samaritan brought some bucket of water and I washed my legs but my socks got wet. So, I purchased some loafers from a local shop and stuffed my shoes in a sling bag and proceeded further. In this drama, I forgot to go the coconut shop but spotted a sugarcane juice shop . Both these shops had good footfall as people seemed to dig the juices due to the merciless sun, albeit no one seemed to throw a big fit about it. They all got so well adjusted , except for us both Cheesy blokes.

We tried some local foods , mostly swarmed by the youngsters who seemed to be engaged in loud chatter as the whole area was abuzz with sellers, random people engrossed in what to buy next and an occasional serious looking person staring into oblivion. Ibee bought me some lovers stuff when suddenly there was a clap and a tap on our shoulders followed by some loud local lingo. We turned around to see some transgender folks loudly asking us for money and they pinched our cheeks and one of them kept their hands on my head. We politely refused to give anything as our travel guy warned us to be careful about people who asked for money either through alms or like them. Still, out of a last minute decision, I gave them a 50 rupee note and they both kind of circulated their hands around us and knocked on their foreheads pouting their lips muttering something. I felt happy in my own sweet way. 

The sun seemed to set earlier than our place in LA , and the overall energy levels seemed to come down but there was always someone selling something. I might be making a premature observation, but in my eyes, it did look like India is plush with business opportunities as people made a livelihood doing so many things. We had some coffee or kaapi as the local brother pointed out and it was a good taste of hot milk and liquid coffee. I kept checking my watch , looking forward to the night I was planning with Ibiza, but to my dismay, she appeared withered out but felt satisfied on a day well spent. I was trying to get online but my mobile wasn't really helping me stay connected and I was just using it for taking pictures and occasionally connecting to a public wifi in some of the shops she went in. I felt so real- no, we felt so real. 

Strangely, we could actually feel like we were living, you know , how can I put this. We felt alive. There is so much happening here. People, temples, churches, dogs, poor people on streets, sellers, cows - like , it seemed as though India was a Live movie shoot going on while we felt more static back in our home. Things were serene, planned, disciplined and organized - not that I mean to say India is chaotic , but It is so damn lively and lovely in its' own way. We entered the hotel premises, to be welcomed generously by the hotel folks, they were pleasantly surprised looking at all our bags and our sun thrashed skin , as we made slow steps into our room and back to scene 1. 

I am now awake, in bed as she is deep asleep and I am planning to hit the sauna. But I wanted to document this day of my life in my journal, and here we are....! Cheers . I am off to some fun in the water !