BigBoss : Day-36 - A Daily Wage Warrior's Story

Digjit's legs were as usual over my hips as we lay in a single mattress like coiled serpents. I couldn't turn because I know he is a light sleeper and he had a tough day , like always. I am Rinku and I live in a humble 1bhk room in a very busy shopping hub part of Chennai . We are from the other end of the country and like other hopeful nomads looking to make a decent living, we decided to explore the subcontinent.  The cultural vibrancy of the South , the smorgasbord of festivities attracted us to make a living there by selling gift and utility articles. Life was , mostly vague in my childhood as I just remember financial troubles, bouts of aggression all through my schooling days to break even. We were 3 brothers over all with an age gap of 1-2 years between us. Sometimes the rawness of the hipster lifestyle , the grit to survive behind all odds , pushes one to throw caution to the wind and live life as is without worrying about repercussions. Most of us ( from my neighborhood ) didn't have proper education given our financial situation.  We had the occasional visit of a visiting politician for photo ops who used to target areas like us, a few months before elections to give us rice bags and soon-to-expire grocery kits. Our uncleaned teeth and torn clothes , yet a full smiling ignorant face would be on the regional news papers the next day to show the "generous" leader's philanthropic efforts. Adolescence was mostly about finding a girl to spend happy times with and I was with a girl Minty. Minty and we used to hangout during the day selling gypsy necklaces and putting henna on girls . I am a good artist. By night we used to spend time as a couple madly in love and the day repeated. Until one day, Minty left me suddenly without caution or warning and I took to recreational drugs to cope up with the sudden change in my life. Digjit entered at that juncture and offered the much needed comfort I didn't know I ached for . We started looking out for each other and spent most of the day trying to sell utilities such as bed sheets and 3d hologram printed photos .We had to sign a letter with the local Marwari Businessmen , using our thumbprint saying if we ever stole the goods to be sold, we can be willingly arrested without trial or a lawyer . With that iron shackle around our necks , we got the articles to be sold for that day and roamed all through the streets speaking in our broken regional language , trying to persuade itchy hands that wanted to spend money on something just for the heck of it. 

Digjit or Diggu , like I started calling him, got close to me. We never bothered to ask questions about each other's personal life or our journey thus far and simply started living together like hostel buddies. We slept together, showered together due to water troubles, shared our lunches and took turns to skip dinner every alternate day to not overspend. Luckily we had moderate appetite and didn't suffer from hunger - the one recognized boon I had. If I also had to endure hunger, as I scraped the barrel for a living , Life would have ended a lot sooner for me.  Some days life used to be kind on us, especially during festive occasions as the crowd had a more spending mood. We mostly target the ones with kids, as they are the weakest links and easy to trigger the man of the family into spending money just to avoid the ruckus of a baby with tantrum. Once during Diwali , we sold a lot more goods than we anticipated , so much so that we had to quickly run back to the shed to restock and do a 2nd round.  The extra money we made, we decided split it in half , one for spending on food and the other in a metal box we used to hide our savings. Once, Diggu had to take a different route and didn't meet me for a long time and I started getting jittery. I was quoting lesser prices that day on my goods to sell faster as I could roam about to search for him only If I sold all my allocated portion.  We had just one basic phone and we were out of money to recharge it. I sold my goods, rushed to our room to find 100/- Rs lesser in our tin box. We made it a habit to periodically check the savings can for fear of other desperate characters in our area. I began to brush aside a very disturbing thought of Diggu cheating on me by looting our savings in smaller portions and began to palpitate. I can't afford a 2nd heartbreak in the same year. I was hungry due to the emotions and started doing something I never consciously did - beg for food. I started standing near tea stalls and smaller outlets where they sold buns and biscuits , extending an outstretched hand from a body that lost most of its honor in keeping itself alive. I was aware because I had questionable look due to my unkempt hair, brown teeth from the repeated chewing of gutka/pan , I wasn't turning heads. People mostly thought I was a lazy ass drug addict not worth getting mercy on the grounds of poverty. I even thought of harming myself physically to become a handicap , because that had more success rate but decided against it . I managed to get a cup of tea and some biscuits from some young kids, who appeared to be living a carefree life . With that meal, I began to search for Diggu, when I found him returning slowly , from a street with a strange look on his face. 

I was struggling from within, fighting my intrusive demons to not interrogate him on what he did with the missing money . I was , truth be told , just a prick away from bursting into emotions, as It was a mix of anger, disappointment , self pity and hopelessness. Diggu gestured me to follow him into a street with lesser crowd and turned to look at me . He slowly unbuttoned his shirt and I suddenly began to worry if he had got hurt. Then he showed me. The idiot had spent the money to tattoo my name across his chest with a small heart . I slapped him hard and kissed his forehead and hugged him tight in a rush of relief and love. I was relieved beyond words that I wasn't duped by yet another person in my life, and they in fact chose to get closer to me in so many ways. I didn't let go of his hand , like I held on to dear life. In fact , from that day, whenever we spent time together, I never let go of his hand , so much so that funnily our palms might be sharing a common lifeline. Sometimes we were bullied by homophobic people who outrageously misinterpreted our deep friendship as superficial gay attraction. They used to throw half burnt cigarettes, or spit in front of us saying what I believe are racial slurs . We however, didn't bother and continued to live our life undeterred by life's struggles that kept coming our way. For example, one day he developed high fever and didn't get up from bed for 2 days. He lost appetite and became weak and I wasn't able to buy much medicines as our businessmen masters dismissed our honest pleas as 'a well rehearsed stage' act to get more money. It was times like those I really , from the core of my heart regretted being alive and poor.  I didn't eat my portion of the food and began to nurse him , as I wanted to ensure he recovered soon . I can't lose him. If something happened to him, I made a decision to quit life in full. But with time, and due to our rugged lifestyle . we have an unexplained immunity to harsh weather and common diseases, Diggu recovered and began to walk slowly. Within a week he was alright and we decided to shift neighborhood. 

We packed our camp and went to the business folks saying we want to leave - we couldn't just elope as they had a signed letter that might ruin our life if we didn't destroy it. So , we spoke to them that we wanted to change areas and for that letter to be destroyed. They made us plead, tried persuading us with Rs 100 more income per 2 weeks and such , but we just felt we were done with the place. After spending the whole day pleading and waiting, they threw some money at our face and asked us to never show ourselves to them again . We took the littered cash and began looking for camps for the deprived and needy. We were fairly young and healthy, with a combined knack of sales and artistry . Between the two of us, Diggu looked a bit more handsome than me, so if we suspected we can use his looks to get an entry into some opportunity. We were successful sometimes, with that strategy and managed to get some menial jobs until one day when a useless piece of junk of a guy asked Diggu , what was his night rate. Diggu slapped that guy with his sandal and I took an oath that I will never put him through another day like this, for which he jokingly replied , "Is it your fault for me being handsome , you bellend". You will be surprised to see how many flavors of evil run through humanity.  

We passed a few months like that moving from one job to another, but with a bit more food and money in our packets. We decided to cut back on recreational drugs, as life seemed to slowly offer a glimmer of hope that it might be actually getting better . After 6 months, we came back to the same neighborhood but carefully avoided the businessmen. We entered a super store, that had 'We need people' board out there and we fit the category. We spoke with confidence and a unique sense of honor in our mannerism and the Sales manager was happy to give us both a 24 hour sales boy / house keeping job in the super store. We were given shelter in a nearby building which looked like a prison for captured non-convicts. 5 of us shared a room and of course Diggu and me were still together. We built our life from then on , humbled by the dawn of mercy in our lives and slowly began to evolve into decent humans. Its been a year since and as I look back, at my journey till now, the 2 things that kept me going was Diggu and my own search for Life in general. I was inadvertently seeking what Life really had in store for me and I kept moving ahead until I found an answer. 

My sincere request to you is that, the next time you see some of our kind on the streets , judge us less and help us more. Yes, we make some questionable coping choices and we strongly look out for each other , sometimes resorting into cheating by quoting higher prices on our goods or commit actual theft in worst cases, but you must understand rationally why we even do that. Do you think we don't suffer from the guilt or the regret of our choices ? We keep delaying the prick of conscience, until we were strong enough to confront our demons. If you weren't of the mind of helping us, at least don't scorn at us or pass lewd comments. If you really wanted to help us, buy something from us or use our services , at least that gives us a sense of being wanted, useful and respect that we can actually do something. If you have the capacity to help us in long term, spend sometime talking with us, earn our trust and help us get through life. Because, people like us who are desperate, will even die for people who cared enough to help us out of love and divine kindness. We are perhaps more loyal than dogs, to the people who help us , support us. I am not saying we will always be servants or slaves, I mean to say, we will guard your place like Putin's bodyguards if you gave us a security guard job. We will accompany your kids to school and back ensuring their safety. We will drive and maintain your cars in excellent condition. But to reach to that level, we need people who cared enough and trusted us a bit more to actually understand us better. Be kind , for you don't know why you actually are more blessed in life in this birth , like how I don't know why people like us got the short end of the bargain. Perhaps , we deserved it for our past deeds. Imagine, if by your gifts, you extended a bit of support, how much it might amplify your goodwill score ? It might even help you if you took another round of existence as a human .  Be kind. Live and let live....Thanks for reading my story. 

Two peas in a pod - A Quirky Podcast

 

I was quite a happy child . I don't remember anything that weighed me down much. It was spent in blissful ignorance of not knowing about most of the stuff I saw or experienced. I just floated through , not reading too much into situations like a typical child. I relied on my parents and siblings , friends and teachers to maintain my course of life. Puberty hit me hard and man , I remember seeing everything in different light. From how I smiled, how I walked , dressed , what I ate and hmm , how I looked.  My self confidence largely stemmed more from my abilities and how I was performing against the standard parameters of worldly success for a student such as marks and sports . But ever since Life upgraded me physically on it's forced automation, my mind grappled silently, violently and no one knew how it felt to be in this journey through my eyes. Rationally I could realize that all my friends and every human in the world grew off age at some point and each one's journey was different. For some of the lucky ones, life proved to be benevolent on them and made it easy, in terms of their of physicality.  For some, it wasn't.

I am Rachel, now a 26 year old woman and here I have with me, Ranjit , 28 years my friend and co-participant. We both share our own sentiments on this surprisingly gender neutral topic that is a silent unspoken trauma for many. This conversation was a by product of a casual unplanned statement that made us realize we both shared more than we knew.  I am not generalizing my emotions as a common feminine aspect when I say, a girl cares about how she looks. She wants to present herself well, wear good dresses, adopt fashion elements and what not, working with what assets Life endows on her. But sometimes, no matter how much she tries to avoid being bogged down by the world's expectations that constantly peer into her soul , her own voices sometimes engage in a severe duel of confidence vs insecurity.  I would say I am not the prettiest looking chick out there, but I am pleasant to the eyes. But for my Hair.  Despite living in good hygienic conditions, proper diet practices and healthy lifestyle , my body just couldn't contribute to a healthy crop of hair on my head. It is thin, lacks height, depth and simply resembles a donkey calf's tail. I keep trying to not think about it, but every now and then, some random trigger pulls me back into the fact that I am not able to express my womanhood through the way I wear my hair. I just have one look and only my dresses keep changing. Every single photo , I am the same person sporting a troubled smile. Shower time is worst part of my day, as I literally loathe the shampoo bottle. What does it matter, if I develop dandruff or grey hair over my head, when there is literally no point in cleaning something that has no presence or has any worth maintaining it. 

Hmm, Rachel, I would like to stop you there. Don't go there. Please. The whole point of this conversation is to not plunge into our own spirals. We are here to lift us up and build on that note of acceptance. We will no longer look down on us. If it's ok, I would like to speak about me for few moments. 

Sure, Ranjit. Sorry . It's just. Never mind. Please go on. 

So, Being a guy especially after puberty is not a cake walk. We compare each other's physical attributes to an extent there is no sense of shame or reason in it. We make fun of each other's bodies and visible features without realizing that it doesn't always just stop at a passing joke. I am a full grown adult now but I am still finding it tough to accept the fact that I am not able to grow a solid beard and speak with a strong masculine voice. I have a proper man's voice but a noticeable treble to it and I curse myself when I am not able to speak loudly because my self imposed insecure guns will go ablaze. Boys used to compare ourselves in the restrooms, making fun of our bodies varying shapes and sizes, the amount of hair we grew on our legs and our moustache patterns etc. No one taught these things but we just did it , every batch of newly activated boys , did this to themselves as though , humiliating ourselves was a rite of passage to toughen ourselves into a man who can withstand anything. I realized clearly few years into my adulthood that I lacked depth in voice and facial hear and it pinched me every time one of my friends spoke about how tiring it is to maintain their beard and would scratch it. Some would say, ah , I feel bored of my look, I am going to go dutch now , go clean shaven now etc. I used to zone out, thinking how much I would give to speak simple sentences like that. I could never find the muscle to touch the trimmer as the fear of not seeing new crop of facial hair traumatized me.  I can grow facial hair, but it lacks depth and consistency and as a man, one loves to showcase their physique and masculine attributes out of plain vanity. I sounded different in mikes and once on a work call, I could sense the tension of the other person when they realized I was a man and not a woman. You have no idea how cruel the voices in your head can get. I have often felt such anger in the most trivial situations and I struggle to not show that anger around.

Ranjit, Ranjit . 

Yeah sorry . I now understand what you would have felt Rachel.

So how did you cope with all this, without going down a dark route , Ranjit. How did you manage?  

I don't know, I started noticing that I was not alone and there were others like me who had questionable physical attributes and challenges, some visible and some not. It then mollified my own harsh judgements. Though God punished me on these two areas, I can vouchsafe for my overall masculinity that I am no less of a man any otherwise, If you know what I mean.  Nothing really happens without a reason. Sometimes I used to wonder that in my past birth I probably made fun of someone and it has boomeranged on me in this birth as penance. But, who am I kidding. I am healthy, not obese , I sleep well , I eat what I like , I have people who love me for who I am and don't care a jot about these things , which I am making a big deal off.

How was it growing up as a girl , especially when it is important how you want to appear to the world. Have you made peace with it at all ? How do you manage , Rachel ?

I mean. I try to move on, but people just stare sometimes. Not consciously, but its the unconscious looks at my donkey tail hair that pinch me and I just want to pluck off whatever's remaining. Fortunately, I can say girls don't physically objectify themselves within , by making crass jokes on their complexion or physical attributes. We look out for each other. We even sometimes bond over our imperfections. Most of the time, we don't like to talk about it but the moment, a girl/lady opens up , man the walls come down crashing. I sometimes wear masks while I travel in train , trendy neck covers and hats when I am in casual places like the mall. But not for long. I just got tired off carrying that weight Ranjit. It's not just worth it. I mean, what does any of this matter If I drop dead tomorrow - will any one even care about how I looked ? What matters is How I lived my life. 

Can I touch you , Can I hold your hand for a moment Rachel , if that's ok ?

Well , ok . 

YOU HAVE NO IDEA, I SAY THE SAME TO MYSELF.  Does any of this matter if were to pass the next day ? It's humbling, assuring , scary to think that something like death reminds us of life's actual purpose. We are not here to keep rearranging our exterior ! We are here to live life the way it unravels naturally for us, work out our deeds, perform some responsibilities , make memories and embrace love all around. 

True right. It is a big deal, I am not downplaying that this doesn't matter to either of us and we can't deny this experience. We are being given this for a reason and the sooner we accept it , make sense of how we can work around it and try to fulfil our own yearnings of joy without being influenced by others is the key .

I always thought I needed a fellow man to talk about all these things, like a brother or close buddy but I am buzzed how I can actually empathize, get a sense of direction by talking to a female outside my family or friends. I never saw this coming and I believe this very conversation is a cathartic to both of us. Why should we suffer ? Why can't we just deny the emotion, steal it off its attention and hegemony over our life ? Are we worried about how our hands are when we sleep or how our toes are when we eat ? Why should we attach undue importance to this . Albeit, I also feel, one has to actually go through the depth to lift up to where we are now, in this moment. Pain that is experienced , alone can be healed. We should give pain and suffering the respect and attention it deserves , recognize its value before we begin to untie ourselves from its grip. We have had enough and let us not look at our situations with the same lens. Agree ?

Ranjit, it wasn't easy for me , to be honest. I am also shocked that I have been talking about these things to a dude but surprisingly our conversation has uncuffed us . Probably we both wronged someone and it was meant that we both were given a boon to help ourselves after we have been through enough turbulence ! Ha-Ha . I mean, why I am getting all philosophical and such.  I am a cool bitch y'all.

You go gal!  I wish you all happiness , and more. May you be kind on yourself, go easy on yourself and may you never ever, under any circumstance let another soul make you look down on yourself , especially on areas where you have worked hard to move on.

I wish you the same, with an extra dose of compassion and love, Ranjit. I can't give a toxic positive statement saying, I understand how it felt for you being a guy but I believe, we both have discovered a new path for ourselves . Let us march forward and drop all this nonsense in the past. Agree ?

100%  Rachel . 100 %

Come give me a hug now, champ  !

Being a Lady of Today

 

I am Sheila Pandiarajan . I work in a IT firm and with great support from my immediate family , I have nurtured a career spanning 22 years across different geographies and companies . When people talk about Women empowerment these days , I just frown at it . It's not a big deal when you lend support to a cause after it has gained momentum and social media publicity took over broadcasting every random incident happening all over the globe. Travel with me as I give you a time lapse of how a woman's journey was, back when all this feminism was just a concept on paper. 

I am a bright mind , always have been - factually and humbly speaking.  I have maintained a good academic record and maneuvered my IT career across 3 major technologies as and when the situation demanded it. However, trying to hold on to a job , was not easy when people were quick to take the decisions for you and assumed your priorities "in your better interests". Don't get me wrong here - I am grateful to have people in my life who offer voluntary care and affection on me. But at some point, I felt my individuality needed expression without any strings attached , you know, take my own decisions and own the results of it , good or bad. 

Two years into my career, there was a minor scuffle at home on whether I should get married, or to continue my career waiting for the right man to co-partner my life.  But no one knows how it felt for me to be a female who wants to make a name for herself at work when I myself was still figuring it out back then . 

As the concept of being employed kicked in, I was curious to see if the guys were interested in me just for the heck of it. I enjoyed the occasional attention but never encouraged anything serious. I just tested the waters with my elbows. It was also an interesting initial 3 years as I learnt to navigate through Senior Male supervisors , junior boys and some peers who were few years around my own age.  I had a chance to work with men from different backgrounds , intentions and capacities. I felt a sense of pride that I wasn't letting it affect me in a negative way.  Well , some days were tough. Especially when I was going through monthly lady times , no one knew the mental or physical fatigue. I still maintained a carefree spirit, coming to work, managing the mental stress of holding on to my job and not break at the first crucial litmus test of being a 'Working woman'.  

Some days really tested me, when I had to work late , but we weren't given laptops and the work had to be accomplished. Truth be told, these moments made me hate being born a woman. It's because, I had to leave on time, for my own security and to obey social cues, and the guys used to work longer shifts, got more work done and contributed more to the project's demands. They were decent about it, and fortunately I was evaluated fairly on my performance. My circumstantial inability to not match the hours with the gents was not a major gamechanger, but it did create a chip on my shoulder for falling short in an aspect I had little control on.

Five years into my career , I had a lot of pressure from family to get married. I did embrace the concept of being married to a man, but I never really wanted to settle down.  I felt, sincerely that as long as I can make meaningful use of my time, skills and energy , the rational thing was to continue being employed. The groom hunting was no joke, lot of emotional roller coasters, tears, infighting , perspective course corrections, sacrifices and reality ruthlessly imposing various dimensions to my way of thinking ensued. But it all ended well when I could find myself a good suitor - not simply because I wanted to comply to my familial demands, but I genuinely believed in beginning a new phase of life for myself. He happens to be a Software Engineer himself and this helped us synchronize our view on life better.

Married life has always been good, but I still didn't see myself as a 'Woman' back then. I was a still a cherubic young girl at heart, who got married with the awareness that some things have changed about me. But I didn't let it affect how I generated a value out of my Life. We took it slow, conscious of how a pregnancy could impact my career and we were 'protective' of it. Until one day came and I found myself to be an expecting mother. Something about me changed that day, when I realized it was not just me anymore. I felt a strange sense of calm , sacrificial power enter me, as I organically realized that I don't need to be so 'in control' of life and sometimes letting it organize for yourself is itself a show of strength.  I delivered a healthy baby Boy and thankfully it was not a C-section. I was willing to endure the pain of a normal delivery but the thought of being split open and let my body be under the mercy of a surgical procedure was my worst nightmare. 

As I matured into a Senior IT professional, juggling the expectations of my work , managing the mood swings of my child ,in laws and sometimes my partner, I can only say it was all just what kept life entertaining. I was not always right, I did throw a fit now and then , without reason but every bad day actually made me realize that the 'normal' days were actually the 'good ones'. An occasional Award or two on the job made me happy. I still suffered from the handicap of being a Lady with bigger responsibilities as the Company policies ensured I was not disturbed outside work hours. But a lot of important decisions, casual discussions that gave way to crucial decisions were taken as the day eased and I couldn't help but let go of some situations. It is not logical of me, to dream of being a perfect success both at work and in personal life. My family definitely gained priority, the moments with my boy which shaped his character and manners are worth more than me attending an extra meeting and gaining impetus as a professional.  

I was tempted to get a baby sitter over the years as we both were going to office those days and 'work-from-home' was still a 'Senior Management privilege'. I came back home, burdened and burnt from that day's work to sit through my child's innocent conversations, his fights with his friends and that math teacher who gave him punishment etc . Distractions are sometimes amazingly healing, especially when you handle multiple parallel priorities and you have someone to share the load with you. My partner, is worth his weight in gold , and I didn't mind him prioritizing his work above family a little more than me. I was conscious of how we were dividing our time between work and home and the responsibilities that came with it. Either of the two people in a relationship have to own certain aspects a bit more and as long as there is respect present, the imbalance itself will keep things in balance. 

Unfortunately , this abused concept of feminism  these days where people 'want to do everything men do', is questionable and digressing from the actual concept of why it began. It's about you being you, and organizing your life in a way you didn't feel de-valued . Not to mimic every aspect of the guys especially on the bad choices they sometimes make. We are women for a reason. Our primary characteristics is what make a woman. IF we ourselves don't embrace our ladyhood and compete in irrational ways in the name of 'Girl power' , I can only sulk at it and let them come to their own terms with time. 

In the past, women were not given any opportunities. Then with time, they were given, but with terms and conditions and a long list of judgmental tenets. Then again with some time , they were expanded simply to sound 'inclusive' and be seen as 'Good People'. But , being a lady, in whatever career we choose, does come with the basic need to fulfil certain responsibilities and we can't be unmindful by thinking about our own preferences. WE can't turn a blind eye to some of life's real joys and meaningful experiences at the cost of inflating our pride. Then came a period where opportunities and challenges were both alike and we needed someone to encourage us , make us not feel guilty about pursuing our own interests and many women abandoned their goals due to this lack of support. Fast forward to today, there is absolutely no sense of divide between men and women, except may be in the restrooms. We have brought ourselves into every field, broken all barriers and almost dangerously going towards a culture that says 'you don't need a man'. Now that's toxic.  We both need each other, how gracefully we achieve this , keeping the love and respect intact defines your intelligence here. Not gaining carte blanche in every aspect of your life and eliminating certain default parameters out completely.

To every girl reading this, remember - 

As I look back now, over a towering 2 decade 'ongoing' career , I am happy I made the choices and sacrifices at the right times with the right force.  You can always be your boss lady, but sometimes you need to remember to cut some slack for yourself, give way and let life and the people in your life align to your better interests. Don't settle unless you feel a conscious need to settle and not just for the reason 'I won't settle now - don't ask me why' attitude. Don't be silly. You ALL now have got a world which is more receptive to the voice of a woman unlike the conservative micro-aggressive world I grew up in. So, please , don't make choices without reason - learn to work with what's out there. The challenges, the people, the opportunities and aim to achieve an overall accomplishment from life . In your pride to be a numero uno in one aspect of your life, if you are a big 0 in all other aspects , simply because you avoided going through those experiences, you are not as successful as you think you are . Make good choices, in everything . Our grace defines our womanhood. Our resilience and indomitable will is what makes us a woman. And the courage to embrace our weaknesses and exhibit our natural emotions is also what makes us a lady. Just be alert to not be 'used' or disrespected or manipulated. You stay true to yourself and defend yourself like a true woman will do.

Happy Women's Day !