What Swamiji ? What are you thinking ? My hefty 9th Standard Physics teacher spotted me sitting with a calmness on my face , unperturbed by the noisy adolescent chats of my peers. I didn't have an answer for him. I was just chilling in my own privacy, my bubble of comfortable silence where no one bothered to come in and say Hi !.
Growing up ..
Boy, I have had a journey up the schooling years. I was an extremely shy, fearful baby in kindergarten, afraid of teachers and I ended up puking everyday out of fear, as I missed the divine touch of my mother, who dropped me in school with the School caretakers and I felt like a fish out of water. From 1st Grade to 5th Grade, I slowly developed my awkwardness( yeah, you read it right, It only got worse) but I scored good marks and secured a good name from teachers. But I didn't have any friends, to call as dear ones. 6th Grade to 8th Grade, a time when my personal jail which I imposed on myself started pricking me. I didn't know how to come out, I felt safe but I started developing mental rashes and people began to notice me, that I am being inconspicuous. Something like, when you walk into the class and your friends think "hey look, its that boy, I don't know what he does here or why he comes here". 8th Grade onward, you all know. The most excruciating years when puberty kicks in and I was a mess within myself. Oh ! The thoughts, the glances, the experiences , the Guilt and the mistakes. I once got caught by one of my favorite teachers , copying in a class test and painfully enough, she didn't Out me. She somehow, punished me by not punishing me, which left a constant fear of impending future humiliation and I was not able to get past that. Somehow, I managed to stay afloat with all my discomfort. To the world, I was a happy kid, no worries, no health problems, decent at studies. Internally, I knew, I was still meta-morphing into who I have to be, but since nobody was aware what was happening in my mind, I didn't get the help which I didn't know I needed. Fast forward to 9th Grade Sir's sarcastic question to make me talk.
Those days, when you want to be noticed by your peers, you want the girls to like you, you want the light on you, but you just don't have the confidence to launch. But, you knew, you had so much fuel packed inside and nobody bothered to come and light it for you. I was desperately trying to better me, but I was tied up in my own self-imposed fears of making a fool of myself. I admired, worshiped those few, who came to the front of the class and boldly spoke on extempore topics. I used to sweat so much, drink water and write down names of my favorite gods repeatedly on the last pages of the classwork, to not be called out to speak next. Oh, the relief, the mental orgasm I used to get when the Bell rang and I knew my turn will not come. I knew,that day will not torture me any further. One of those days, when I couldn't escape, I somehow used to blurt out something and thankfully, I don't remember the days when I was weak. Except for the awareness, that I was a nobody and I started from humble tidings. Pathetically, my parents, who got to see me, the close friends, who bothered to feign interest in me, nobody knew, I needed a giant pat on the back to bring out the magic inside me. My only company was God. All my honesty, shone on the Gods, who looked after me, empathically. I passed out of 10th grade with decent grades, much to the surprise of me, my parents, particularly my mom, who totally left me to the Grace of the Gods as I was showing some trouble in getting good grades in 9th-10th and she had her own set of maternal worries about my future. Later in my 20s my mom often confessed, how relieved she was, to see me get 84% in my board exams when she feared and prepared for the absolute worst. But one day came.
The Twist !
Sir Sivaswamy Kalalaya HSS, Mandaveli , the most comfortable jump for the Tambhrams around Mylapore students who quit PS Senior Secondary School, was my Miracle, the Blessing to come. The school's premises were humble, a single building solely dedicated to high performing students and the total focus was on studies and acing the 12th Board exams. This school, the 2 years there, absolutely reversed all the damage I had done to myself in my decade long debacle with my previous school. To be fair, PSSSS is absolutely one of the BEST schools in the area, the student quality, the exposure, the pedagogy. Just that, it was not meant to bring the best out of me. Had I been a more confident boy, I would have done even better.
First few days in the new school, when this lady, My Computer Science mam & the Hindi Mam walk in and in a loud voice starts selecting boys for the Hindi drama. These two, I don't know what prompted them, they pointed to me and said "Here, you ! You get up. You will be Prince Kalinga." . I stood baffled and tongue tied, because I was still adjusting to the school, new faces and the same awkwardness in a newer environment. Adding to that, this Computer mam, also announced that I will take the seminar for the 1st chapter that very week. I literally looked at her like a lollipop plucked out of a kid, like a boy snatched from his parents to be in The Army , like a girl given away in marriage by her parents.
Somehow, the day came. I had prepared, swallowed the pages of the 1st chapter that spoke about Generations of computers, pretty basic content. The class hardly didn't have a space to run around. So, we need to request students in the front to make way, and I was standing in front of everyone. All 40 odd students, looking at me with no expectations. I shouted at the top of my lungs - the telltale sign of a speaker who has confidence issues. I talked so loud that, from time to time, I began to cough. But, strangely the entire class became Pin drop Silent. Like the abominable silence in a burial ground. I silently saw myself shedding the many years of cocoon that I had been weaving around myself with my own insecurities. I saw myself burst out from my own cocoon. My loud voice was the Boom ! I required. I had been looking for this outside, when all I had to do was Get up, Show up and Speak up. The lesson was completed and my class clapped for 30 seconds. Do you have any idea how it felt in my ears ? My entire body was crying out of happiness. My eyes became so dry, in a desperate effort to not appear weak, but my body, my being was throbbing with horripilation, at the miracle that just happened. Did I really pull of a Stage talk? Did people seriously clap for my speech? Am I no longer the guy I used to be? . One needs to experience, such kind of emotions, I tell you. Today, I am grateful to the heavens, with all humility, I am proud to say, I am a much confident guy in almost every set up. I deserted all my fears of meeting people , public speaking , doing things which I thought I will never do unless I was heavily drugged and out of my senses (like dancing in front of an audience- a story for another day). I have even learnt basic Spanish now, to talk with native Spanish people much to their delight and my own self amusement. Hope , now you get the title, that refers "Swami to Sombrero".
And now !
My story of coming out of the "Stage fear" phase really taught me so much. It taught me to have empathy on people I see who suffer from the same or similar fears. It reminds me to stay grounded. It reminds me that I was not always strong and audacious. It taught me to ask for help without being afraid. It soothed me that, someone helped me and I should do to people wherever I can, whenever I see an opportunity. It made me realize that, our life doesn't always remain the same. That, Good days follow. Sometimes, the clouds don't appear to move, but if you look closely, they are very huge passing clouds and they take time to move. Bad days, tough situations are indeed passing clouds, but we should give some time for them to pass, as they are moving and the more the load, the more time it takes to move. And when it passes, it's all Sunshine and Rainbows.
