When Destiny Gifted My Father to the Gods

Never did I imagine I had something so precious that even the god's envied so much, that they felt that I have enjoyed it enough. No time is right enough to lose a parent. After taking colorful tablets with different chemical compositions and using different colored hand sanitizers and floor cleaners , fate caught up with me when it took the most colorful man of my life from me , my Father. 

Looking back a few days ago , little did I know that life found it fair to mix him with plain air.  The thought of it which, has gripped my mental space with such shock that I genuinely think I have lost the ability to emote. A gentle featherlike person, man of few words , few smiles but a large heart, me and my father share a lot of personality differences in how we see life, people, interests , likes and choices but by mercy of the nature's gene pool department, I have inherited many of his admirable qualities which can only be read in self-help books these days. He was born that way, he was born the way the self-help books describe how to lead a peaceful contented life amidst thorny situations. It hurts to think that the many conversations where I spoke to him in childlike anger out of belief that he will always be there with me, you know taking him for granted as though he has no other purpose than to be my father, those conversations can't be reversed. Not a word of my frustration or anger stuck on to him as he always woke up the next day blemishless as though nothing happened the previous day. 

I took all the precautions one can take, from using face masks , gloves , cleaning using soaps, cleansers , taking herbal decoctions , vitamin supplements , steam inhalations and a lot of prayer but destiny took a decision that stunned all my best efforts. Clearly, the larger truth won over me and my family, as we stand today having lost a branch that was so silently always there but never prominently shaking its leaves or making a show off its fruits. It's surprising how a man of such few words can create such an impact with his absence and it shows, no amount of words spoken or deeds done can match the presence one can make in a family when they are acting out of love. Everywhere I look I have a memory of him, my eyes refuse to let go , my heart refuses to churn. I think father wants me to realize that he is all the more closely wrapped around me than before. 

It was the toughest 3 weeks of my life as I never knew a hospital admission will lead to a graveyard cremation. The doctor who came out and spoke those words with such rehearsed Doctor like fashion, with no emotion , reporting that I no longer have someone to call daddy. Looking at the man who moved all his life making sure I stood, lie motionless , is a sight I am trying to so hard to erase from my mind . Most pathetic thing is to not even be near him , touch him or do anything and be a mere witness to what they did with my man's physical form. As humans we want that touch, that expression, but it was an experience like that of a young fawn being snatched by a tiger as the mother deer helplessly looked at it all happen. I think I need a very strong replacement vision , something powerful enough to overpower these sights to help me tame my mind and heart. 

I stand today, a failure against destiny, which I still believe knows the larger Good, the bigger picture. Atleast, I could have prepared myself to be more kind to him, more respectful to him, more understanding and more expressive to him, and not take him for granted . Looking at my mother , in her new role, is another heart wrenching sight that a traditionally inclined person will find it extremely bitter to digest. Losing a parent and losing a partner are two different experiences, but when it happens , the impact is two fold.  The wails, the cries of emotions, the grim reality of the situation has taken me for a ride, I certainly have had something change from within that I could have never done to myself. 

With the help of my uncles (his brothers) , maternal relatives, my cousins, who copiously lamented that they were not able to be there physically due to the nature of his passing away ( Cov19+cardiac) , I managed to hold on. Wherever I looked, I could only see sympathetic eyes raining on me and my family. Being a mentally positive person, I am not sure how I have handled this missile that attacked my core, but I am trying to do the right thing one day at a time. I have lost the temptation to make plans even for the next day, as this slap from destiny has reminded me, I am powerless against it . 

Even challenging is to be brave to go out once again, in public, as I am still unclear how I tested positive and how father himself contacted it.  Clueless as to where the loose end was, where the gap was , where I lost attention stings me. Hearing someone cough or sneeze or to even physically go near someone itself is so repelling that I just want to spray at everyone and wear 3 layers of clothes and burn them off once I come back home. I am not a person who gets paranoid , I try to guide my reasoning even under turbulent seas, but the lack of clarity of how all this happened, where what went wrong and how can I ever be confident again continues to torment me. I never imagined I will go through an experience like this, but life just dragged me through this experience, unmindful to check if I had braced myself or not. I just have to trust the universe, with the belief that the larger eye knows the larger truth which these 2 eyes may not always understand. 

The God's are lucky to have my father with them now as my chance got over. 

This dark cloud called the pandemic seems to have an unending appetite until it sees enough misery. Looks like we can't take shelter in our goodness, assuming we won't be hit or even make the mistake to think that we are the ones that will be spared, as clearly this is an impartial attack on humanity with no said target or time of attack. Let us still be careful, compassionate and humble in front of Life, take care of our parents, whatever family that is left with us,  and try to be responsible, to our self, our family and the society. 

May life be kind to all of us,